Friday, September 19, 2003 . 9/19/2003 11:11:00 pm

WAh time fly sia.... Now already the 19th liao and so long never touch my pc...No choice busy with tests(actually daydreaming 89%of the time thats why fail 2 out of 3 papers but heng only moderate) and work is definitely the culprit for my knock out mode...So i decided to work till i die until end of next month and do my final exam...After that i'll go to thailand(most likely)or maybe malaysia area to stay for a few days to retreat and relax....Then will rest another 1 or 2 weeks before i go look for jobs...Actually i want to learn cooking as well(next time still wanna marry one leh)...And my greatest ambition is to be a housewife man....hahhaha!!!!!!But anyway nw eyeing on the sony ericsson flip phone that's launching in the 4th quarter....Cant wait for that phone to launch sia.... Now had a change of plan....think will not be buying the gucci purse....Eyeing on Anna Sui's purse...They have damn nice and posh ones as well....But see how things are first....May consider back the gucci one....But most importantly is the discman i gotta buy....Cant live without it man....And save up for trip to thailand/malaysia(truly asia!!!)...If can save more then go further loh...But my pattern huh dont really can sia...Can save up the tot...Hmmm....Had a wishing list i wrote the other day to buy and do but only complete some parts of my dream....Well eric might be meeting me most likely tomorrow....think i better fake moody then he surely meet me and can cheat another cup of bubble tea liao!!!!!!!!Ha ha!!!!!!!Evil man me....But anyway my nick is dr evil....Got to work for cortry today and know this girl called grace...Pleasant and nice...And she say i pretty....hee....this is important man....No wonder i getting more irresistable man...HAHA!!!!!!kidding....must learn to be modest....think that'll be my resolution for my whole live....But need to study hard or i'm gonna see my handsome lecture classmate next term...Though wanna see him but definitely not in school man....Haiy feeling quite sad as time fly away just like that....merciless...I miss badly my year 1 days......fun and carefree....just too boy crazy...but haiy after that stupid broken relationship dont even wanna have one sia....got the phobia the past will come back to me again....It's sucky but at least im not so tied up by someone...Ppl ask me why i dont start a new relationship...think i dont want meh.....but the past kept haunting me like hell....ppl say i'm strong....if i really am....i wont be in this state now...not having the courage to stand up and face the cruel fact at times....wont be having strong anger in me.... wont be questioning myself why things go wrong.....and i hate the fact when ppl will come up to me and started saying things about God this and that....I know that but what i really wish to hear is something like i'm sorry to hear that and wish i could help.....At least show that they care for me besides God....I know He cares and He really does....But times like that u really wish that ppl surrounding u show you the care they can give instead of just telling u God cares and like it sounds they dont care like that....I read the Bible and i know as well....I may not be a strong believer but i did promise God i'll always be there.....To be his believer and child of His....Feel sad at times ppl say that and then it's a full stop thing....not bothering to show normal concern but kept having the "remember God cares and He loves you"....Not trying to be offensive but really just wanna say how i really feel and not being the hypocrite person....Haiy nowadays always tend to be happy initially then when it comes to a point i get angry....Dislike this feeling terribly...And dreaded when ppl gets angry and dont let u know....Gotta guess the whole night b4 u know then apologise for trying to show concern....Idiot!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 08, 2003 . 9/08/2003 11:53:00 pm

Haiy not feeling good at all these 2 days...Especially last night till now.....Feeling so down now...I know there are ppl who are concern about me and i really wish to stay happy like how i am....But maybe like wat jerome say.....Depression stays with you forever and once it triggers you,it just comes back again....Maybe it just hits me again..Really wish to forget the past and trying so hard to focus on other things but i cant.....I really cant do it....I may not seem weak but think i am....So weak when it comes to affairs of the heart... Felt the hurt and betrayal by my ex again and cant help but to have this strong resentment in him again yet so afraid as well when i recall the unhappy past....It huants me and makes me feel helpless and disgusted....And it's like one after another....Can recall how i used to give up everything for the two past relationships but got back shit.....And it's like i wonder why at times things like that happen....Tot after the first one,the second could treat me better....But treat me worse and the thing is that i put in all my feelings and hope for that....End up still got back shit...Wat a joke...Classmates took this as a joke and think i could take it....But no one know how hurt i was deeply...Others took pity of me but i dont need that....I hate the way they look at me or how they comment on this failed relationship....I dont need all these at all....All i really want is just that they could just shut their mouth and dont mention again.....I really wish to get this over and dont know...Think i think so much is becos now is my test period cos last term was studying together with him and recall the moments i spent with him....And got no mood to study at all....Try to distract myself by watching tv and doing my nails to forget the past but it's like avoiding only....I know i need to face it and accept the fact...I know i dont love him already but i know i hate him for the hurt and sadness he brought to me....The scar that's gonna be in you for a long term.... or maybe life time....I prayed to God to take away the resentment i have in him and i did try to pray for him and his current gf...But it really hurts at times....And eric just msg me......And ask me how i am and ask if i'm feeling better...He always seem to know how i feel even when i dont tell him....Well he's my best friend since yr 1 so it's natural that he knows how i feel...But i really thank God for ppl like liana,eric,jean,jac and many others..They are there for me when i need them.....And glenn who was there for me when i was dejected and down....He and roy always ask me out and make me happy..I thank God for all these ppl surrounding me and my family who's there always for me....Actually after kay's incident,i realised till the world comes to an end for you...It'll still be your parents to take care of you and show concern for you....They have been encouraging and they try hard to let me know that they will still love me as deeply no matter what happen and always be there for me when i needed someone...Without my family and friends..I know i cant stay optimistic and happy during this period....Though depression strike me again...I know i still have ppl who love me....And God too...He love me too and He cares.... Hee so long never write blog liao...Well as usual was busy with work and studies loh...BUt mainly work lah cos not really have motivation to study loh....Was selling dreyer at raffles and ppl were so corprate style sia....Actually i'll wish to be like that man one of these days and be busy with work and not think of anything else....WEll eric msg me on thurs to ask me how i am....And that guy only msg me like twice a week loh....NO liang xing sia....Kinda miss that fella cos he's always the one accompanying me loh...Suddenly he go army like lost contact like that...Hmmm.....Going for an interview on tues as the hp job....Hope i can get it loh.....Money no enough liao....hahaha....At the rate i'm spending....Think 1 month got ten thousand also not enough sia....Somehow i can always buy something one leh....But now my aim is on a purse....Want a nice and durable purse.....Was thinking of louis vuitton or gucci...Expensive but think it's worth it cos it can last me for a long time....And actually wanted a new phone but see how loh...If got extra $ then buy...Dont have then too bad.....Haha.....Well just got the photo jean sent to me during sonic fes...Took 2 photos with this little ger.....So cute sia she....And yah think she's damn cute....Just like me...Mwuhahhaha....And i cut my fringe again....By myself....All my family members dont like sia....But i seriously like it a lot.....So i dont care what they say....Cos i am beautiful...No matter what they say...Words cant bring me down....Think i can be christina aguilera 2 but i more pretty sia....HAHAHAHHA.....anyway did french manicure myself today....Think my skill improve a lot sia....ADMIRE my nails so much now and kept on yakking away telling my mum till she got irritated and scold me....Backside too itchy....never get scolding not happy sia....Wanted to do pedicure but sister never buy back for me....Grrrrrr.....Actually was so sick this morning....HEAD WAS SPINNING AWAY like mad and cant manage to work loh....Somemore down with flu and cough sia...But after sleeping again during noon i felt so much better....But havent study much these 2 days....Gotta study hard later or if i fail.... Whole family is gonna nag till i die man....And my buddy liana too....I think she's gonna wack my butt real hard.....ANd she can nag sia...hahahaha!!!!!!!!But good when i go shopping with her cos she'll make sure i dont overspend.....She'll drag me away sia....Same goes to eric....If he knows i fail,i think he'll make sure my bones break in front of him man.....Ha ha.....Well read an e-mail just now and it's about a guy being self contented after a trip to india...Ppl there are poor and for living...One woman actually got to chop off one of her daughter's hand to BEG.....And the guy was taken back by when he saw that and dropped his bread.....Then a few children ran to snatch it due to hunger....When i read this, i cant help but to think many ppl are really so fortunate than them....Even me and i find that at times i got this mentality that i am not self contented at all....Maybe by trying to achieve for some stuffs....It will kept my mind occupied and wont think so much stuffs......By pursuing things i could pursue is now a challenge and a goal in life...Also i'm trying to know and learn more new things as well.....Cos my mind just kept wondering away by thoughts i should not have..... Well got to study now....

Monday, September 01, 2003 . 9/01/2003 01:55:00 pm

Well quite somtime since i last write on my blog...Well actually i did lah but then i save it then dont know save to where liao....HAD A great time at sonic festival man and gotta know a couple of great ppl there...Though initially things didnt really turn out well....bUT all's well is well(i think should be something like this).....Was the team leader and had a couple of stuffs to be stressed about....Hope i have been a gd leader...Was comforted when i saw euphemia's blog and she commented that i'm a gd leader.....well i really did try to be a good one but maybe not to all of them...But as long as one of them agreed,i feel comforted....And anyway that's my 1st time that i ever led a group for event so very blur and lost initially...But things are cool after that....Praise God for that and i believe ppl felt His presence that day....And i super duper like FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!They're my idols man..But dont dare to get their signatures leh....Pai se sia.... And wanna thank John Chiong for treating me a CORNETTO ice-cream......My favourite ice-cream sia...And got to meet glenn that day....long time no see this pastor liao...Miss this guy badly man.....ANd he kept making fun of my laughter that day....And yah know this guy from dunno where one....Forget his name but i know he own a damn cool metallic pink guitar.....And he was having fun with all of us when we were at the first aid room and i almost kiled mark gilson with the boomarang...hahaha!!!!!!Luckily that guy is cool about it or i'm gonna die sia.... Byt coming up i gotta be busy with jac's wedding cos i'm the chief usher.....Very power like that...Always got leader ship thing waiting for me....Hope things dont cork up agian...But after sonic fes....Roughly got an idea on leading ppl to do something....I'm too dis-organised that day i must admit cos i did not talk to my members more and luckily Jac was there for me the whole day.....She's cool man.....So hahaha i'm gonna make sure her wedding turns out to be a fun thing cos if anybody trys to be funny,their ass is gonna hurt man.....But got to study now cos i'm having a week's holiday for tests next week.....And i'm losing appetite again....+BLEAH+Feel so sick right now...think i got fever and having a slight cough.....and diarroeha as well and feels like vommiting as times...Damn sick sia..... +pui+